I didn’t always know…

The first time I heard “Black Lives Matter” I said “all lives matter.” I didn’t know.

When I fell in love with Omari, I didn’t know. I actually was initially attracted to him BECAUSE he is Black. Still to this day, I will sometimes stare at him in pure awe of his beauty. I love his back. It’s a weird part of the human body to love, right? But I do, I love his back because his skin is flawless and perfect all along his muscular and sculpted back, and his color is the beauty that I see there. So no, I was never “color blind” I saw his color and it is beautiful.

But still, I did not know.

When we had our first child together, a son, with a gorgeous mixed complexion ... I still did not know. All the things that make this boy so beautiful are because he is mixed race; his perfect soft but curly hair that he gets so many compliments on; his few freckles that are scattered across the bridge of his nose and along with his cheekbones; his skin that is a sweet caramel color; his eye color and thick long eyelashes. He is tall and big, strong like his father, bigger than the other kids in his class.

I have stared at this child often as he has grown over the last 10 years, so many times I have just been amazed at his beauty. But still, I did not know.

This beautiful Black man and I went on to have 2 more children, each one equally as beautiful as the first. Strangers (always white, mostly women and usually an older generation) frequently stop us in public to let us know that they think our family is beautiful, but what we hear is actually their approval of our mixed-race family. Yes, our family is beautiful, we know it and we don’t take it for granted that we live in a time where we are legally allowed to be in this relationship and have a beautiful family like this. But we don’t need your approval. And yet, I smile and say “thank you” and listen to how your granddaughter has a Black boyfriend that you approve of too, all the while I’m thinking about how messed up it is that not that long ago History would have had this man hanged for loving me and how those before us had to FIGHT hard for this relationship to become legal and THAT was only 53 years ago.

But still, even after three children with this gorgeous Black man... I still did not know, not really.

I have heard story after story of how awful the father of my children has been treated by police. How they would pull him over for no reason, get him out of the car and handcuff him on the ground, without cause. They would say the nastiest words to him, all the while his response back would be full of “yes sir”, “no sir”, “please” and even “thank you.”

But that was before me, in another State even, I never witnessed it firsthand- so still I didn’t know, not fully.

I didn’t know about white privilege.

I didn’t know that 1 in 1,000 black men and boys die at the hands of police.

I didn’t know how real racism still is in 2020.

I didn’t know that the love of my life could be killed just because he’s a tall Black man and police might “feel threatened” by him even though he is never armed.

I never know that he lived in fear of this happening to him all the time.
ALL. THE. TIME.

I didn’t know that there were whole communities who are afraid to call the police for help.

I didn’t know I would have to talk to my 10-year-old son about what to do if a police officer approaches him, or worse, tries to arrest him. That was a hard conversation and vastly different than one I would have with a white child. It also will not be the last time we have that conversation.

I didn’t know I would have to talk to my children about racial biased and what to do when they encounter them.

I didn’t know that I would one day live in fear of police brutality taking my child away from me.

I didn’t know what Juneteenth was.

I didn’t know what Loving Day was or the significance of it in my own life.

I didn’t know the fear I would have for my beautiful family.

I didn’t know that the words “all lives matter” would make me cringe, because when people say that, it means that they still don’t get it.

I didn’t know what systemic racism was, or how real it is.

I didn’t know when a Black man gets pulled over for speeding, that he wonders if this is how he’ll die, while all I fear is the cost of the ticket.

I didn’t know that I would worry about my children being called the “n word” by their peers.

I didn’t know 57 years after he spoke the words, that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s dream would still not have come true.

I didn’t know that within the most important relationship of my life, we would be forced to discuss our own races and how it affects us and our family.

I didn’t know the names of Breonna Taylor, Gorge Floyd, Devon Bailey, Trayvon Martin, Ahmaud Arbery, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, Alton Sterling, Charles Kinsey and way too many more.

But, I am learning. I am evolving. I am growing.

It took time. It took experience. It took me looking long and hard, deep down in my soul, to examine my own biases and beliefs. I had to ask the hard questions.
Would I believe that Black Lives Matter if my Love and my children weren’t black?
Would I just ignore it, choose ignorance, if I still lived in a white bubble?
I know I’m not racist, but have I had racial biases?
When I was in middle school and I was rude to my Social Studies teacher, did he think it was because of the color of his dark skin?

And what REALLY is the difference between racism and racial biases? Maybe they are more of the same thing than we want to admit.

What would I be posting on my wall right now if I hadn’t fallen in love with a Black man?

I grew up white. In a predominately white community with mostly white friends. How could I have known?
But I can’t help but ask, why didn’t someone teach me?

Nobody taught me all of this while growing up, and while maybe nobody knew that it should be taught, these are things that we all need to know. So I know that I know, I will do better. It is my responsibility to teach others, adults, and the next generations alike.

And so now I stand firm in the fact that I cannot stay silent anymore.

I will not tolerate the ignorance of those around me, instead, I will sculpt it, mold it into knowledge and education.

I can only hope that you are open enough to learn so that you no longer can say, “I didn’t know.”

Written by Bridget Quinn

Social Media Manager at Love for Lily, Wife, Writer, and Mama of 3 amazing kiddos