Today this feels hard


Today, this life feels hard.  Maybe not just today maybe it is just this stage of life, maybe this season in my 30’s building a business and building a family, staying connected to myself and hubby, friends, family!  

Exhaustion is my dear friend, it reminds me a little bit of Liz Gilbert talking about fear riding shotgun but never being allowed to drive... except sometimes you have to drive even when exhausted. It is levels and layers of exhaustion — mental, physical, and emotional. It is exhausting to have patience all the time (ok, let's be real no one has it all the time, but if I am batting 85% I am stoked). There is the constant juggle of nap schedules, school drop-offs & pick-ups, dance, soccer, and a workout and shower for myself.

Some days, like yesterday it doesn’t feel hard. Everything seamlessly flows, kids sleep in their own beds all night, the morning is started when I open my eyes because I have just woken up — not because someone is needing something or crawling over my face. Somedays, I don’t feel like I am failing on at least one if not all fronts. Some days are bliss.

Today less bliss. This is the cycle of motherhood, of this beautiful messy life I have.

This is the stage of my life where no matter how much I do there is always something undone. There is guilt in spades! Guilt about working, guilt about not working, guilt over not signing up for another bake sale, or about yelling when my daughter climbed up on the counter.

On the days like today, there is guilt.

Some days, I remember that guilt is optional and I can opt out. Other days, I wear my mommy guilt like a badge of honor.

Guilt, hormones, decisions, therapy, divorce, infertility, grief, discipline, and exhaustion fill my conversations, where not so long ago wedding planning, hope, baby announcements, vacation and business used to live. I used to feel competent most of the time, now I often feel that I don’t know the answers to anything. With a side of constantly feeling that I need to know everything.

Today feels hard.

I am on a constant quest for balance that I am starting to believe is unattainable. Some days my home feels balanced which most likely means my business got set aside. Other days, my business is in balance and my child probably got a lot of extra Sesame Street.

Today feels hard and here is what I still know:

I have community. Ask for help.

Doing it all myself is a surefire way to burn out. Accept help.

My husband needs my attention and I need his.  Make time to be together.

Girlfriends are essential.  They are the cure for much of the hard in the hard days.  They bring perspective and understanding (plus mine always bring wine.)

Practice saying no. It may lead to more contentment and space in your life.

Today feels hard and it is beautiful too. The kind of beautiful that makes your soul ache a little. My daughter is learning so much and still spinning in the sunshine. My husband might be the best thing that has ever happened in this life, and I love him madly. My mom is alive and I am blessed to have the opportunity to see her all the time. I have the most amazing community I can imagine and they get me even on the hard days.

These days are filled with magic and wonder

Today feels hard and it will pass. Tomorrow we will start again and it might feel hard too but maybe it won't.

Sahra Cahoon